What Fly Shops Will Never Tell You

Courtesy of Bloodknot.net


Mr. WILLY BUGGER. (Male, 45 to 65) This customer usually gets dropped off by his wife before she goes grocery shopping. He keeps his elbows firmly planted on the counter, likes to be involved in all conversations—been there, done that—plays with the drag on all the fly reels and buys nothing. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 4.

KID HACKLE. (Male or female, 7 to 17) The future of fly fishing. This keen youngster can probably cast their whole fly line. Extremely dangerous: they’ll ride over 20 miles on bicycle to fishing grounds and know about the latest fly-tying materials before the shops do. Mother will buy waders and boots two sizes too big. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 90.

GARY. (Male, 56) A steady flow customer that keeps the fly shop up to date on Wal-Mart’s pricing. Will buy a new rod and reel every year as long as the shop does not tell Mrs. Gary. Similar to Mr. Willy Bugger but has a true passion for the sport. Does not tie flies, wants pricing by the dozen. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 40.

HUGE TRUCK McFUCK. (Male, 20 to 30) Has a super hot girlfriend with him every time and leaves truck running outside blasting hip-hop. Wants black waders and wading boots. Will spend huge dollars on Sage, G. Loomis, and any reels made in gold colors. Cannot tie flies. Brings in pictures of trout on an i-phone and has a buddy who also wants to get into this “shit”. Buddy also has super hot girlfriend. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 25.

Mr. and Mrs. CADDIS PEOPLE. (Male and female, 40) A strange couple that had a “magical” day fishing dry flies during a Caddis hatch. Will not buy bead-heads, nymphs or attractors. Wife cannot find the right fit in Simms waders—extremely picky. Husband always wants polarized glasses that fit over prescriptions. Not dangerous. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 6.

Mr. OHYEAH. (Male, 35) Dude always says, “Oh yeah.” When asking about the new RIO fly line will say, “Oh yeah,” before the question is answered. Has been seen by other customers on the river yelling, “Oh yeah,” while landing most fish. Has three of everything. Good customer. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 110.

Mr. BUCK WINTERS. (Male, 40 to 45) Claims his private lake near his hunting grounds is loaded with 6-pounders. Only buys “egg sucking leeches” and trolls them behind split shots on his spinning rod. Has pictures to prove. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 12.

Mr. NOT WHAT I HEARD. (Male, 28 to 40) Very dangerous new breed of the E-fisherman: over informed and under practiced. Usually asks questions to challenge the answer. Has been “interested” in that Sage for a year but is weary of its price. Was introduced to fly fishing by Gary. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 15.

OLD MAN CAREY. (Old male, 70-something) Claims that the “Red Carey” was his original fly. Smells like most of the neck hackle. Always asks to use the bathroom and stays for exactly 20 minutes. Has a Hardy reel that the whole shop drools over, and he insists on “split cane and silk lines.” ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = None.

Mr. BEAMER not DREAMER. (Male, 50) Has succeeded in everything in life but fly fishing. Has purchased all top of the line gear and is looking for more. Fishes with two lawyer buddies but still cannot cast. Has signed up for lessons twice but has pulled two no-shows. Well groomed but frustrated. Not dangerous. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 15.

Mr. SHOP GUY. (Male, 20 to 40) Every shop’s dream. Has lots of current reports, has the shop sticker on vehicle and brings friends in to start fly fishing. Ties beautiful flies and brings in samples. Insists on fluorocarbon. Has a separate VISA card just for fly fishing that’s billed to a private P.O. Box. Has cute but “not so bright” wife. ANNUAL FISHING DAYS = 100.

THE FINS TWINS. (Males, 25-ish) Shop is still convinced that these brothers are stealing. One brother always stays by the flies while the other runs around asking questions about float-tube fins. THEY NEVER BUY FINS, THEY NEVER BUY FLIES.